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So you've decided to start a family- found a sperm donor- got the second line on your pregnancy test (for the 4th time -you wanted to be really, really sure!) and are excitedly anticipating life as a family with your child. Wonderful!
But stop....let's take those rosy coloured spectacles off for just a second and take a 'real' look at life following the birth of your child- a child you decided to bring into the world- through sperm donor conception.
Unfortunately - despite the enormous advances that have taken place in the field of assisted reproduction over the past quarter of a century research on the children born as a result of these procedures has lagged far behind. Although a surprisingly high number of children are not actually the biological children of both parents - whether through donor insemination or illicit 'affair' - it is only now, with an increased awareness of the need to consider children's right, and the understanding of how child rearing practices affect their social and emotional development, that we are starting to more intelligently debate this issue. 'It's my decision and they don't need to know' is no longer an adequate response to the question of whether or not children should be told of their true heritage- or of the details of their conception.
The purpose of this article is to start you thinking about the bigger issues. I urge you to make decisions based on what your child needs and wants- even if you don't yet realise it, or want to think about it. This is something to start talking about even if your child hasn't yet been born- or even conceived! Children are children. Adults are adults- we are all human- and all hope to be surrounded by people who treat us with love, kindness, respect and honesty. So, regardless of the intentions you have, and the reasons for your choices, if you start off with a lie you're inviting trouble. And it will always be something you have chosen to keep from your child. (and perhaps relatives and friends as well?)
I'm not going to tell you what to do- parenting is a personal journey - all I am asking is that you consider your child's needs first - and your needs second. I'm an impartial person who is speaking up for your child - that's my job, and mission in life; supporting children and their rights- and giving them a voice, even if they aren't even born. This can be surprisingly easy! - all you need to do is start from day 1 understanding that parenting is ridiculously hard, you are going to mess up A LOT, however your child will love you whatever you do. And if they see you mess up and take ownership- and know that everything you are doing is with a spirit or honesty, love and kindness then they'll respect you a heck of a lot more as well.
If you are single or part of a lesbian couple then it's fairly obvious you had 'a helping hand' from someone- and life becomes relatively easy as people have kind of guessed already how your child came into the world. However it's also really important that you consciously work out how to talk about this- to everyone, not just your child- so that it becomes a positive experience- and something that enhances your child's self-image- rather than makes them feel lost, lonely, defensive and angry.
My main concern- and the reason for this article is that people are often so excited about being parents that the nitty gritty details get overlooked - like couples becoming so excited about the wedding they forget that the real thought should be going into preparing for the marriage. Your decisions every step of the way are- Id hope- based on what you believe is the right decision for you, your partner if you have one, and your child. However this is one of those issues that really needs careful consideration- and a decision made after looking at the research, seeing what children say about not being told, and talking to professional therapists and child psychologists. A quick decision before birth just isn't good enough. A decision like this is huge- it's like not telling a child they are adopted- is it really your decision to make?- or is the truth something we owe our children, however hard it may seem at the time.
When parents make a decision not to tell their child how they were conceived they are deciding for the child that they don't have the right to know or to deal with the truth. They might deliberately choose a sperm donor who looks like the male partner- thinking this will fool everyone- including the child. But you will always know. The donor will always know. You will always be lying to your child. Whoever raises the child will be 'daddy'- that role is the hard part! A sperm donor is simply that- he will never be 'Daddy'. So why are we so afraid to tell the truth? Often it isn't just the child that isn't told openly, in an age appropriate and sensitive manner- and the right time for that child- often no-one else is told either. So a secret is created - with the people who love you. Why is this? Why make a decision to lie to your child- withholding information is lying, whichever way you look at it- a child you are presumably planning to encourage to themselves be honest and kind. The reasons for that are explored within a book I am currently writing- and I'd be interested to hear of your views and personal stories.
This issue isn't about judgement - or blame- this is about being open about this topic- a topic that for centuries has been happening in secrecy. We are now in an era where the child's rights are valued more than ever before- however we still have a long way to go. To be true to ourselves and our children we need to develop the confidence- and emotional resilience- to face the world with compassion, love and honesty.
As you will already realise, even if this is the first time we have 'met', honesty is something I firmly promote in all relationships- honesty that is kind, empathetic and constructive. So if you feel ready to take a risk and embrace this we can start thinking about how to share sensitive information with your child- and others- in a way that brings about a positive outcome. Effective parenting - parenting that most effectively meets your child's individual needs- is often far harder- it asks more of you physically and emotionally. The rewards however are amazing- and can change society.
I believe that parenting should be something everyone should have a right to achieve- if they have the desire to be the best parent they can be, and to raise their child in an environment that will enable that child to develop to his or her full potential, and be happy and emotionally intelligent. At the moment I don't feel as though there is enough info and support out there for parents of children born through sperm donation and this article is my introduction to the topic. I will be bringing you other related articles in the coming months. The way in which we view and talk about this subject is something I would like to be a part of changing- our children deserve it. Be proud of your decision to bring your amazing child into the world, when other options were probably impossible or very limited. If you feel proud, your child will feel proud also. And if proud of this decision you will have no reason not to start talking about it openly - from the beginning. The decision of whether or not to tell you child should then become far clearer. Yes, yes yes!
Emma Hartnell-Baker BEd Hons. MA. Cert Life Coaching
The Child Listener
http://www.The-Child-Listener.com
Creating Fertility Choices for All
http://www.Free-Sperm-Donations.com
Slim & Healthy Pregnancy.
How To Keep Excess Weight Off &
Maintain Good Health During And After Pregnancy.
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